I disappeared for a little while (again). And for the best reason I could ever imagine.
My baby is here. 🤍
It’s been almost two months now, and I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Part of me feels like it’s been a lifetime, and another part feels like he was born yesterday. Time has become such a strange thing.
I was so scared of giving birth throughout my whole pregnancy. I wrote about it here. I overthought it. I imagined every possible scenario. But it ended up being one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It was intense, of course. It was hard. But it was also empowering, beautiful, and something I’ll carry with me forever.
What I wasn’t prepared for was everything that came after. For me, postpartum has been harder than birth itself.
Nobody can really prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster. The hormones. Crying for reasons you can’t even explain. Feeling so deeply in love one minute and completely overwhelmed the next. The sleep deprivation that makes days blur together. Wondering what day it is. Forgetting to eat. Learning how to take care of a tiny human while also trying to remember to take care of yourself.
It’s beautiful. And it’s really hard. Both things can be true.
I’ve learned that motherhood isn’t just about taking care of a baby. It’s also about meeting a completely new version of yourself. One you haven’t met before. One who’s learning everything from scratch.
Some days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. Some days I cry because I’m exhausted. Some days I miss having a full night’s sleep.
And then i look at him. His tiny hands wrapped around my finger. The little noises he makes while he sleeps. The way he stretches after waking up. The way he looks at me. Sometimes I genuinely cannot believe he’s mine.
I spent months imagining his face, wondering what he’d look like, what his little personality would be like. And now he’s here. Sleeping on my chest. Filling our home with the sweetest little sounds.
I can’t believe someone so perfect exists. I know every parent probably says this, but I really do think he’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.
And every single difficult moment somehow becomes smaller when I look at him.
I’ve also been thinking about something I wrote while I was pregnant. I said I knew I’d miss the little kicks in my belly. And I do. But if I had to choose between the kicks and having him asleep on my chest. I’d choose this. Every single time.
Things are getting a little easier now. We’re slowly finding our own little rhythm.
I know his sleepy face. I’m starting to recognize his different little sounds. I know when he wants to eat, when he’s tired, when he just wants to be held. I’m learning him, day by day.
And I think that’s one of the sweetest parts of these two months.
I’m still figuring everything out, but it doesn’t feel quite as scary anymore.
Right now, I’m actually writing this with him sleeping on my arm. One-handed, obviously 😂
And I keep stopping to look at him.
Because these are the moments I know I’m going to miss one day. His little body curled up against me. The weight of him on my arm. His tiny noises while he sleeps. Just having him close. 🥺
So thank you for waiting for me while I disappeared for a little while. Life looks very different now. And I have a feeling this little corner of the internet is going to grow with me through it all.
If you’re in this season too, or if you’ve been through it already, I’d love to hear from you.What was the first month like for you? Was postpartum harder than you expected? I’d love for us to make this a little space where we can be honest about both the beautiful and the difficult parts of motherhood. 🤍
